Lo and behold – an adoption post! I know I’ve been quiet on the issue, but that’s because (a) nothing’s going on in my adoption, and (b) I kind of gave up on some things. I got tired of being told I was the bitter birth Mom and really tired of people twisting my words to fit their agenda – either using what I say to support their ideas (that I don’t support) or to use me as someone that’s just so darned mean.
Whatever.
Today? I give up. Say what you want. You’re wrong.
SO, on to the current “rubs me wrong” issue.
The legality of adoption.
Not just the legality, but the legality being the be-all, end-all. The argument that once TPR is signed, revocation runs out, adoption is finalized, that Cupcake is no different to me than any random child I would see at the park or at a mall. It’s LUDICROUS. Yet it’s used constantly because legally, yes, it’s true. I don’t have any legal right to Cupcake.
Guess what? Neither do a lot of people.
Her teachers don’t have a legal right to her. Friends of her Mom’s don’t have a legal right to her. Her Mom’s partner doesn’t have a legal right to her (unless they get married or adopt and things, but that hasn’t happened.) But I would guess that every single one of those people that have formed a relationship with Cupcake would be pretty offended if someone said that she is NO different than any other child they see walking down the street.
But I feel like we’re supposed to shut up and take it.
“Yes, I understand. Thank you for reminding me. I will try harder to pretend like I don’t have a vested interest in this legally foreign to me child.”
It’s nonsense.
To be fair, I want to note that while I’m using Cupcake in this example, Dee has never insinuated that Cupcake should be a “legal stranger” to me.
But others have. And I just don’t understand where that gets them.
Furthermore, it adds just another layer of complexity to the relationship that people feel is appropriate to have for our children. Another layer of the “perfect” way that we should think about them.
We should miss them and think of them often, but we should be 100% secure and happy in our decision. We should love them equally to the way we would love a child we raised, but we should accept that we are legally strangers. We should be willing to bend over backwards to put our placed children first, but we should understand when communication from parents ends and we feel we are put last.
Oh, and we should never, ever complain.
Because let’s not forget. We chose this.
(Side note: Parents that choose to be in an open adoption with us can complain, even though they signed up for it, because that’s just completely different.)
Yes, I’m grumbling.
Yes, I’m bitching.
But I’m not feeling sorry for myself. I’m just frustrated. And angry. And there’s a difference. And this isn’t anything new. I’ve just stopped talking about it for awhile.
I feel like a lot of people have really…I wonder if others felt as silenced as I did. (Do?) Perhaps this is only one scared, tentative critical post and I’ll crawl back under my rock for a while. I’m not sure yet….I haven’t charted a course on this one.
ah don’t crawl under a rock….feelings, layers, and complexities are part of adoption and the more people “talk” maybe the more we get closer to understanding….well one can hope.
Thanks Dannie
I don’t have any immediate plans to crawl anywhere, just keeping it as a possibility should I need it as a last resort!
I’ve gotten SO far, with SO many people that are open to dialogue, and that does keep me hopeful – and keep me trying. Now I just have to find the way to ignore those that don’t want to participate, but rather choose to perpetuate stereotypes.
Coming at this as the partner of someone who’s going to legally adopt, I hear you, and for me I think it’s made me more sympathetic to others who are part of the extended adoption family without being part of the legal adoption family. Mara’s parents will always have been her parents. Certainly her siblings are her siblings…. But the “real parent” issue is one that raises a lot of hackles for reasons that don’t make much sense to me, again maybe because it’s unexceptional that my child would have (more than) two moms.
Sorry, I know it’s not just about me! But you’re not the only one thinking about these kinds of things, and I’m glad you’re talking about them.
Thanks Thorn! I appreciate your perspective on this! And I do think your example is one of the strongest. In our case, Dee doesn’t have a partner (that I know of) so I couldn’t make that example very personal. But when she does, that woman will absolutely have a vested interest in Cupcake and a deep connection to her, even if it’s not “legal.”
And I would never try to throw the legality in her face as a means to show how she’s “different.”
Anyway, short ramble, but thanks again
Oh my gosh, THANK YOU. I’ve had thoughts along this line rolling around in my head for a few weeks now, but had pretty much resigned myself to being the only one who ever felt that way. I have a tough time understanding how we are supposed to be this unconditionally loving figure and then pretend they don’t exist the very next minute.
Thanks Megan! Glad to hear I’m not the only one as well
It’s an interesting and challenging line that we’re expected to walk. “A delicate dance” as my boss would say. Sometimes, I really don’t know how we’re supposed to do it….
Good post TG!!
I don’t have much to say because I’ve long ago recognized that it’s insane for anyone to think that only a child’s immediate parents can love them. There are so many non-legally attached people that love me, that love DH, that love MG. I would never expect L, Grandma J or MG’s brothers not to love her – regardless of what the law says.
The world is rarely black & white. There are so many shades of what the “perfect” family looks like. What works for me may not work for another and that doesn’t mean either one of us is wrong, we’re just different. I guess when it comes to tolerance, humans still have a long way to go.
“I guess when it comes to tolerance, humans still have a long way to go.”
Ain’t that the shameful truth!
I suppose this hits the nail on the head too. I’d REALLY like to see a lot more tolerance in adoptionland. You don’t have to believe what I believe, do what I do, love the way I love, be a first parent the way I am a first parent – but PLEASE stop telling me how wrong I am in my own personal experiences.
You know, I think society is fairly precious (and I think this may have changed for the worse over the years) about children having only a teeny tiny number of people who are allowed to be concerned with their welfare.
I’m thinking of my brothers’ kids – if I express any kind of opinion about them other than “awww, gorgeous” I am told that they are NOT my kids, I am NOT allowed to have any opinion and whatever he and my SIL do with/to them is none of my damn business. Except if they want me to do something for them, of course.
Of course, I know I come across as bitter about this – but there are things I’d like to be able to do for them without being told whether that’s the right thing to do – and if I think something is likely to upset them (indeed if I see it upsetting them), I feel I should be able to say so as well.
I would hope when we’re parents we’ll be able to listen to what other people have to say that have our children’s welfare at heart, and that we’ll acknowledge that other people (related or not, legal or not) actually do have a connection to them.
“I would hope when we’re parents we’ll be able to listen to what other people have to say that have our children’s welfare at heart, and that we’ll acknowledge that other people (related or not, legal or not) actually do have a connection to them.”
I think just expressing this desire our front puts you in a good position
For a lot of people, I think they understand that connection when it’s a relative or a close family friend. However, for some there seems to be a reluctance to acknowledge that same connection when it’s a birth parent. And I can think of no person that would have more of a reason to have such a vested interest!
I love this post. It’s so true, and it *is* such a contradiction in so many ways.
I was going to say that it’s telling that it only seems to be with first parents that we (as a society/culture/whatever) act that way, but then I read Katie’s comment, and she’s right about that as well. I guess it must be only with first parents that we use the “legally you’re a stranger” argument – because obviously I’m not legally a stranger to nieces/nephews/cousins/etc.
I *think* I understand where it comes from, in adoption. We – speaking as an adoptive parent here – are supposed to “claim” our children, in a healthy relationship – to give ourselves permission to be their parents, to let go of whatever guilt we might feel over their first parents’ circumstances and our resulting joy at being parents, etc. I’ve noticed that often, well-meaning friends/relatives tend to make negative comments about first parents (in general, or our kids’ specifically) and I’ve always thought it was a misguided attempt to show that they are “on our side” – as if there are sides to the whole thing…
Anyway, I think the “legal” discussion is either a misinterpretation or an insecure rendering of the “claiming” process – to be *ours*, our children can’t be *yours*, in that rendering, and pointing out the legality of it all sort of shuts the door on any other discussion, doesn’t it?
The longer I live in the adoption world, the more I understand how complicated these things are. I mean, yes – legally, D is nothing more to my children than any stranger on the street. But what difference does that make? Emotionally, biologically, and in a million other ways she is far more than that. Acknowledging this does me no harm, and does my children a world of good… xo
LOVE THIS!
Two things:
1. “…and pointing out the legality of it all sort of shuts the door on any other discussion, doesn’t it?”
YES! I often feel like this claim is made as a “period. End of sentence,” kind of argument. Like, what can you say now, huh?
And you there’s nothing I CAN say to that. You got me. Congrats, you twisted the knife and shut me up.
2.”…yes – legally, D is nothing more to my children than any stranger on the street. But what difference does that make? Emotionally, biologically, and in a million other ways she is far more than that. Acknowledging this does me no harm, and does my children a world of good… xo”
What difference DOES it make? I can only see it as a tool to distance us from them. Why don’t some people understand that in this case emotions, biology and all those million other ways trump legality??
It often makes me think of marriage and the legality of that. Does it change how in love you are with the other person? No. Why should TPR? (Perhaps that’s a post for today!)
Well, you know, legally you & LB are no more to each other than strangers on the street…
Yeah, no. That doesn’t work, does it?
I haven’t read your Wedding Wednesday post yet but I have a feeling I’m going to enjoy it. (George & I always said our wedding was more for everyone else than for us, because all it did was make official in a legal sense what we’d committed to when we moved in together…) xo
I have an honest question about the issue…coming from someone who’s not a first parent so I don’t feel the sting of the legality issue like some would. Is it all the time that this is pointed out that you are bothered, TG? Or does it depend on the circumstance? Because I know I for one have pointed out to women considering placing that after TPR, revocation period, etc, they are a legal stranger to the child. This isn’t done to make them feel worse about their situation. Just to say, Hey…make sure you take the time to soak up what that means, because after a certain point, you can’t go back. I would hope I’ve never come across as trying to be nasty to someone considering adoption, or trying to make them feel belittled.
As far as I know, I’ve never pointed out to a first mom that she is legally a stranger to her child. If I have, I definitely should not have. After all, who knows more than a first mother that they are a legal stranger to their child? Why would any first mother need to be reminded of that?
GREAT question!
You bring up an excellent point that I didn’t address – well, that I didn’t even think of
The situation that you describe makes perfect sense to me. That’s part of the education process that I think is definitely lacking with many agencies/private adoptions. (NOT all, but certainly plenty). Pointing out what the legal repercussions of TPR before it happens is something that I would feel is educational.
What I’ve experienced that DOES sting is when TPR has happened and someone says something like “Why would we be in an open adoption? This person is legally a stranger to my child.” Or “who are they to make requests? Legally they’re nothing more than a stranger.” (For the record, I made those quotes up and they are paraphrases of things I’ve heard somewhere at some time in the past four years. I’m not quoting anyone specific here).
And yes, of course we know. Which is why I always am additionally irritated by the reminder.
And for the record, I’ve always thought that you approach these conversations with great respect – and when you do have a question it’s truly out of a desire to learn and engage in productive conversation.
So just wanted to let you know that I think you’re the bees knees!
mmmmmmyup. That’s all I have to say.
Awwww thanks TG. Sometimes I get nervous asking questions about sensitive subjects because I don’t want to come off as being dismissive.
I think you’ve just always come across with such respect and an honesty about where you’re coming from, that it’s never been something I questioned. For the most part, I trust people until they break that trust. And you’ve always been top notch in my book!
Recently, I was talking to a friend of mine about wanting to send some really cute pictures to my son’s firstmom. This other person butted into our conversation with, “That is so generous of you to let her see pictures of him.” I said, “Are you serious? She gave me her son. The LEAST I can do is give her pictures and updates.” She started talking about how his mother CHOSE adoption and had no right to expect anything after that. I tried to talk some sense into this person and educate her but I quickly discovered that I might as well piss up a rope. This person had her preconceived notions about adoption, even though she is not involved in adoption in any way, and she was not open to my perspective. I get so aggrevated and just want to stop trying to educate and stop trying to advocate sometimes too. Hang in there TG!
Thanks Jennifer! I’ll admit, this is sometimes one of the hardest things for me to deal with….people that are so set in their ways that they won’t listen or engage in productive dialogue. ESPECIALLY when they have no first-hand experience….not just with adoption either, but folks in closed adoptions that refuse to acknowledge my experience in open adoption – things like that. I’ve never been in a closed adoption, so I’m not one to deny someone else’s experience there. We may never agree, but at the least, folks should listen and respect.